A: I figure that if Snooki’s smart enough to write one, then I am too.
Q: What makes you think that Snooki’s smart enough to write a novel?
A: Because she has a book deal with a major publishing house, and book deals don’t lie.
Q: What makes you think that major publishing houses are more trustworthy than say ... investment banks?
A: Investment banks are all about money. They’d sell their soul just to make a few extra bucks.
Q: Maybe we should change the direction of the questioning. Do you think that writers would make good reality T.V. subjects, other than Snooki, who is already on a reality show?
A: I’ve given this question far more thought than it deserves. At first I wondered about putting obsessive-compulsive writers on the show, “Intervention,” and trying to get them to go into writer’s rehab. Obviously a stinker of an idea. Then I wondered about, “So You Think You Can Write?”. The audience would watch writers typing out their stories. Obviously another stinker. I won’t even mention my idea for “Word Hoarders”.
The idea that I think would fly is, “Jersey Shore Writers Retreat – DTW”. The idea would be to have the JS cast collaborate on Snooki’s upcoming novel, “Jersey Bitch – DTR”. This is how I envision the first show playing out:
All the cast members are seated in high-back chairs in a private library in an English-style country house. They’re all in their normal attire except for The Situation. He’s in a writerly outfit of corduroy pants, an oxford shirt with a tweed jacket, and a pipe in his mouth.
SNOOKI: C’mon bitches we need a motivation thing to get Jersey Bitch down to read.
THE SITCH: Motivation? You want motivation?
The Sitch sets his pipe down and stands up. He removes his jacket and sets it on his chair.
THE SITCH: How’s this for motivation?
The Sitch rips open his shirt and starts gyrating his hips while flexing his abs. The rest of the cast, except for Snooki, cheers.
THE SITCH: Is that enough motivation to get Jersey Bitch DTR?
Snooki bolts out of her chair, throws her iPad to the floor, and storms out of the room.
CUT TO: The Sitch talking to the camera.
THE SITCH: Fact is I’m the idea guy for this mofo operation. Everybody thinks Snooki’s all the brains around here just because she’s read a couple books all by herself. That bitch needs to get off her high horse.
CUT TO: Snooki talking to the camera.
SNOOKI: Jersey Bitch DTR was my idea and now the Sitch’s trying to act like he’s all the writer genius because he’s got cut abs. He makes me sick. I feel like getting drunk and puking all over him.
Q: You weren’t kidding when you said you’ve given this more thought than it deserves. Do you think that years from now when Snooki’s President of the country, that you’ll regret all these things you’ve said about her?
A: I think by then I’ll have spent so much time watching, “Jersey Shore Runs For Office,” that I’ll find her as irresistible as everyone else does. I’m already planning to attend every one of her book signings. I urge everyone to support her upcoming book circus. I’ve heard that Kathy Griffin is in negotiations to be the emcee for it.
Q: One final question. Does ZombieStop Parade have anything to do with Jersey Shore?
A: Of course not. No Jersey Shore and no zombies, just smart writing for smart people.
This story has nothing to do with zombies. It's about a charismatic hip-hotster who places himself in conflict with his own society. Through his website, he conducts a campaign of ridicule against the cash-grab mentality, which he sees as the obstacle to sustainability. He manages to connect with a nascent alienation developing on college campuses in the wake of the global financial fiasco. Suspicious activity brings pressure from legal authorities, but he refuses to make concessions. His best friend is torn between his misgivings and his personal loyalty, while those around him, urge him to bail out in order to save himself.