Friday, April 18, 2014

FNN Report: Texas Board of Ed Wants New Numbers

Hey! While I'm over at IWSG for the A-Z challenge talking about the letter P, (drop by and say hi, will ya) my good buddy Hank Quense is here so Stacy Conundrum can report for FNN (faux news network). They make it up so you don't have to!

Tongue, cheek, tongue in cheek, cheek in tongue, whatever's necessary, carry on Hank!

FNN Report: Texas Board of Ed Wants New Numbers


This Faux News Network exclusive report was filed by our political reporter Stacy Conundrum:

The Texas Board of Education has announce a new initiative after it realized that America uses numbers developed by Moslems. It has authorized a project staffed by astrologers, numerologists, phrenologists and Bible experts to develop an American, Christian set of numbers to replace our current Arabic numbers. They hope to have the new numbers in text books by the start of the school year in September 2014.

A spokesperson for the Board told our reporter, "It is symbolic of our inept Federal Government that they have ignored this insult to our Christian nation. Their refusal to respond to our righteous demands has forced our hand. While the Board accepts the responsibility to develop an American number system, we anticipate that the project will be attacked by the liberal wimps in and out of government. We will disregard their unjustified criticism and do our Christian, American duty. This is a crash project. The sooner we finish it, the sooner our children will stop being exposed to the pernicious, foreign and ungodly influence of our current numbers.

"Our Board is extremely disappointed that none of the state's math teachers and none of our NASA scientist or engineers agreed to join the project. In a further demonstration of partisan rancor, our project has been denounced by the American Academy of Science. The Texas Board of Education responds by decrying this liberal rathole of reactionary and dubious science."

When asked by our reporter about the Board's project, a spokesperson for the American Academy of Science replied, "This is absurd. It smacks of the Dark Ages."

To learn more about the Faux News Network, visit the network’s webpage.



Hank Quense is the author of 50 published short stories along with four novels and three collections of stories. All of these are humorous and/or satiric scifi and fantasy. In the non-fiction area, he has over a dozen articles published on fiction writing and he's the author of the Fiction Writing Guides series and the Self-publishing Guides series. Both series consist of a number of ebooks. The Fiction Writing Guides and the Self-Publishing Guides are an outgrowth of his lectures on both subjects.

47 comments :

  1. New numbers? Didn't work with metrics, won't work now.

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    1. Tell me about. Metric is still driving me crazy. Hi, Alex. Happy Easter.

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  2. Alex, Metrics weren't AMERICAN numbers. They were invented by the French, (I think)

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  3. Hi humans, Joylene and Hank,

    Numbers, something doesn't add up here, my human friend. I have read this to my human and he hasn't a clue what he just read. I shall try to explain it to him.

    Pawstive wishes,

    Penny the cordial host of the Alphabark Challenge! :)

    Bloody heck, human, Joylene! You' switched on that prove I aint no robot thingy. Now my paws are gonna ache!

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    1. HI Klahanie
      This is satire, pure and simple. Down here on Earth, the Texas Board of Ed is notorious for demanding school books that are anti-science, ones that support the what the bible says, not what scientists say..
      So I thought I'd poke them with a pointy stick

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    2. Hank, Penny is much more refined than her human Gary. Gary is a bit more unrefined.

      Penny, sorry about the word verification. I've been ambushed by too many spammers! They're everywhere!

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    3. Don't' know what's more hysterical ... your post, Joylene, or the comments!

      Except for the word verification ... it takes me an age to get them right :(

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  4. I once used to be a member of the Duodecimal Society pf America (now the Dozenal Society of America). We were devoted to getting rid of the ugly base-10 numbering system (which has no justification other than that we have ten fingers to count on) and replacing it with the much more logical base-12 system: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,X (dek), E (el), 10 (do). Arise and throw off your base-10 shackles!

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    1. I'm throwing, Jim. Throwing and throwing. I feel lighter already.

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  5. "We've got your number, Ay-rabs. And we don't want it." And hey, Joylene, your blog makes me type in numbers--Arabic numbers--to prove I'm not a robot. How 'bout having me type in something ELSE to prove I'm American? Huh?

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    1. Okay, good idea. I should change it to hockey players most likely to win the cup. Eh?

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  6. Numbers can be new? Who knew? Will confuse a ton i bet

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    1. Well, at least we'd all be in the same boat. LOL

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  7. Wait a minute. Where did the alphabet come from? Was it... pre-Christian? Say it ain't so.

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  8. While they're at it, can they manage to finagle their new numbers so that PI = 3? At least one other state has tried to legislate that.

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    1. Did I mention I didn't do so good in math classes? What happens if there are four for pie?

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  9. JIm. pi =3 certainly will make life easier. I think the Texas Board of Ed should look into that. After all, isn't pi=3.14 etc just the science folks showing off how smart they are?

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  10. Everyone knows, on Biblical authority, that PI = 3. Somewhere in there (although I can't quote chapter and verse) there is a description of a well which is 10 cubits across and 30 cubits around. This was the basis for a state legislature (I think it was Tennessee) passing a law to make PI equal to 3. Obvious!!

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  11. Nothing like a little faux news to round out my knowledge of the world. Thanks! :-)

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    1. Cleem
      Gotta stay on top of the faux news. There's nothing like it

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  12. To funny....


    Hi,Hank.

    Hi, Jolene... nice to meet you... Thanks for dropping by my blog yesterday. Glad you like my choice of books... JEWISH/FRENCH cooking. And I can JUST IMAGINE THE STORIES... LOL

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  13. "He makes it up just for you" - love it! :) Thanks for the laugh today!

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    1. Somebody has to poke fun at the all the strange stuff that gets reported on the "news". I taken it on as my job to "make it up."

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    2. Haha, I know. Hank kills me. Thanks for visiting, Karen!

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  14. I'm greatly relieved that someone's rising up to fight the heathen hordes wherever they show their ugly faces. The US should have its own number system, just as the Brits have that strange metric thingie. Hallelujah!

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    1. Yeah, Lexa

      Thanks for backing the Texas Board of Ed. They need all the help they can gather.

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    2. Lexa, the Canadians are worse than the Brits, let me tell you. At least the UK still uses miles.

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  15. I tried to invent numbers during math class. It didn't go over well...

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    1. It is a tricky thing to do. I don't think the Board of Ed will have much success.

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  16. lol somehow I can't see it happening.

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    Replies
    1. Lynda, some very strange things have happened in Texas. Stranger than this

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