Friday, November 21, 2014

FNN Report: Center for Alien Research Issues



Cockroach Report

The Center for Alien Research (CAR) located in Weehawken, NJ today issued a startling report about cockroaches. FNN Science Reporter Sue Entropy is following this case.

In the report on this explosive research project, CAR announced that analysis of cockroach DNA has found that cockroaches are an alien species. Further, cockroach remains at archeological digs indicate the bugs haven’t changed in over five thousand years, thus defying evolution.

The CAR scientists have speculated that today's cockroaches are descendants of an invasion force that landed more than five thousand years ago in a failed attempt to subjugate Earth.

At CAR, scientists have identified a dozen small DNA variations indicating differing roles during the invasion. The combinations indicate most of the bugs are ordinary soldiers, a smaller group are the officer corps. Others appear to be political commissars, bureaucrats, news reporters and analysts.

Since the report was issued, speculation has run rampant on why the invasion failed. One theory is the invading force underestimated the size of the humans. Another is that the invasion hasn’t failed and that the plan was to gradually gain control of the planet’s resources. In a troubling statement supporting this last theory, cockroach populations in Earth’s largest cities have exploded of late, leading to speculation that the bugs are planning to seize the cities first. A third theory says the current cockroaches are gathering intelligence for a second invasion by much larger cockroaches.

In another surprising development, the National Security Agency issued a statement that said the NSA does not have the capability of intercepting cockroach messages and even if it did have that capability, it wouldn’t make use of it since that would violate the cockroaches’ privacy rights.

Ms Entropy will follow these developments and issue further reports as necessary.



Hank Quense is the author of 50 published short stories along with four novels and three collections of stories. All of these are humorous and/or satiric scifi and fantasy. In the non-fiction area, he has over a dozen articles published on fiction writing and he's the author of the Fiction Writing Guides series and the Self-publishing Guides series. Both series consist of a number of ebooks. The Fiction Writing Guides and the Self-Publishing Guides are an outgrowth of his lectures on both subjects.
Strange Worlds OnlineHank's Amazon PageHank's Blog PageSelf-publishing Guides

41 comments :

  1. It's weird you should be reporting about this, Hank. Where we're currently living, there are a lot of cockroaches... and they're acting strangely.

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    1. Uh-oh! The danger is growing exponentially!

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  2. Violate their rights, huh? If they landed 5000 years ago, I'd say it was timing that did in the invasion, because that's when Noah's flood happened.

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    1. So, you're saying they had a nice nap and now they're ready to party? Hmm. Makes sense.

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  3. I know a race of alien critters here that would beat those cockroaches and outlast them - Tardigrades!

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    1. Any creature with a large footprint can beat a squad of cockroaches.

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    2. Ooh, Alex, that doesn't sound good. It does explain why our cats have been acting weird.

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  4. Do I have to invest in a tourist trip into space to be away while government agencies perform a out-of-this-world fumigation of earth?

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    1. A trip probably would't do any good. Some bugs would be stowaways on the ship and miss the fumigation

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    2. Holy flying scorpions, this just keeps getting worse!!!

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  5. Human, Hank,

    Evidently, the cockroach messages are political statements made on behalf of the American government.

    This was an unpaid "pawlitical" announcement from the Houses of Pawliament.

    Penny the dawg!

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    1. You think the cockroaches control the government? That wold explain much about how Congress acts

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    2. Penny, you speaking of the British Parliament and not the Canadian Parliament, correct? From your side of the ocean, it can be taken seriously. This side, not so much.

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    3. Hey human, Hank! You need a House of Repupsentatives!

      Hey human, Joylene! The British "Pawliament". The Canadian "Pawliament" is run by a bunch of Labradors and Huskies! Arf!

      Pawsitive wishes,

      Penny!

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  6. That all makes total sense to me. Maybe we are already serving them by providing free shelter and food.

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    1. OMG! The cockroaches have already won!

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    2. Then I must get cracking and visit as many donuts shops as I can. So many donuts, so little time!

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    3. Good work, Joylene. You gotta have priorities and stick to them.

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  7. Haha! I'd love to see a movie with roach analysts and news reporters. I think we already have roach bureaucrats and politicians.

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    1. That would be a great movie. Kinda like a re-make of Deep Throat with bugs playing the reporters

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  8. Hilarious! This brought a huge smile to my face this morning! Roaches are everywhere- aliens are among us. :)
    ~Jess

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    1. Yup, we can't fight it, Jess. We're doomed. I, for one, am going start being nice to roaches.

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    2. Don't let them see the cans of bug spray you have.

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  9. Hi, Joylene,

    I like the humor behind Hank's article. Hate roaches though!

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    1. If you hate roaches, you'll have difficulty living under their regime.

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    2. Thanks, Joy. We're all in agreement.

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  10. Thanks for bringing Hank to my attention, much appreciated! Happy Thanksgiving!

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    Replies
    1. Happy you enjoyed Hank's post, Donna. Thanks for dropping by.

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  11. Bwa-ha-ha-ha! I will never look at a cockroach the same way. (Especially the 3 to 6 inch ones here in Florida.)

    Unleashing the Dreamworld

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    1. Thanks, Crystal. Three to 6 inches, eh? Oooh, not good.

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    2. six inch roaches? They must have developed their own type of steroids

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  12. The 'big guns' (7-10cm in size) reside here, so I'm certain the HQ for this entire cockroach world domination operation originated in South Africa.
    We have the ones that fly. Serious.

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  13. I knew there was a reason I was wary of roaches! ;)

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    1. everyone is wary of them. Just another proof of their alien-ness

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  14. Hank is a great storyteller. I swear I'd crap my pants if this happened. LOL! hugs, joylene!

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    Replies
    1. Just doing my job of making up the news.

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    2. Oh vey! Don't do that. They sense poop!

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